Ass Implants

Today, a woman in my group therapy told me that, while recently out in LA, she had a free gym pass. And that the latest craze for the workout ladies appeared to be: ass implants.1
Upon hearing her say "implants," I immediately assumed a feminist judo-stance, covering my eyes and ovaries. 2
When all of a sudden, I realized what an ingenious concept ass implants really was!
In short, I'm now considering putting Temper Pedic mattress material in my ass and beneath the soles of my feet.
I figure that as I am fifty-percent Swedish, the Temper Pedic material will naturally meld with my DNA, as well as on a cellular level.
The implants will make my morning meditation sessions, followed by yoga, followed by a Zone-appropriated macrobiotic breakfast, and on into the day, making mega bucks, all the more Zen.
So f@#k you, Gwyenth Paltrow! You may be rich, Steven Spielberg's goddaughter, married to the Coldplay guy and have to put big earphones on Apple at the shows, but I'm out-healthing you in '06! With ass implants!



1. It's true, I'm in group therapy. And it is against my group's rules to mention anything that occurs in our sessions, or to reveal anyone's identity. But, as this woman told me this anecdote in the waiting room, and I did not reveal her true superhero identity, I made the call that I could share it with you.


2. This stance is also known to occur when one is trying to have a drink at a bar, alone, and some drunk dude swaggers up and tries to hit on one.