Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. I'm 17!
No need to delve into your retirement funds for gifts, loyal readers. If you must give, simply pick up one piece of trash today and throw it into the nearest waste receptacle.
Glory be to the Great Lords Of The Abyss!

The Land

Over the weekend I went camping with friends in Pennsyltucky.
I swam in a pond, read a book in a hammock and slept in a tent.
There was a huge spider on my tent. Cows ate my shirt. There were fireworks.
We set a dinasaur pinata on fire, followed by a Jenga tower.

Id

Just as one is patting one's self on the back for leaps made in the way of "reasonable adulthood," one may find one's self quickly plunging into the depths of one's own animal nature.
Hopefully when the Emperor realizes he's naked, he does not have to reach for his starchiest three piece suit in penance.

Hijacked by Joe Wimpster!

So last night I was out drinking with my buddies on the LES/ Greenpoint and I ran into this chick named Lecy. She said I would write about my night in my blog the next day (today) and that when I did, it would be f*@kin boring.


Me: Your blog's f*@kin boring! Why else would I hijack it? Because I like you?

Lecy: Because you're an aspiring schmactor who's trying desperately to get noticed.

Me: Schmactor? Wha--? Dude, I was on Law and Order!

Lecy: So was she.

Then she pointed to some random chick who, though smokin hot, was definitely not on Law and Order.

Me: What's up with the lame, robot entry anyway? Trying to steal my fire? "Angrycommenter-bot?" That's gay.

Lecy: You're gay.

Me: You're gay.

Lecy: I wish.

Me: No you don't.

Lecy: Okay. You're just mad you got upstaged by a tin can.

Me: You should listen to all the Roseanne watchers who google you and go to your blog to give you sh** for not being famous anymore. They're right to question your cantankerous ways.

Lecy: You're right. Someone's got to do it.

Me: Get a life, Dude. Have some fun. Lighten up!

Lecy: En-lighten up.

Me: I am enlightened! How else do I get all the hotties?

Lecy: The lasses you "get" have their idea bulbs burnt out. And they've each called a hundred supers to their little E.Vill apartments who, together, can't screw in a new one...

Me: Alright, alright! Stop speaking in tongues.

Lecy: Stop doing mouses.

Me: Stop dating rats!

Lecy: But I have so many jokes to tell them!

Me: Yeah. The homeless man with the cheeseburger in his pocket. Hysterical.

Lecy: I'd rather be a hysteric than a clone.

Me: Then you should be on The Surreal Life!

Lecy: Life is surreal enough. Like talking to you right now reminds me of that movie Sssssss where that guy turns into a snake at the end...Later, Gator.

Me: What?

She left (thank god). Then me and my buddies partied till dawn and met all these hot chicks. It was rockin--anything but boring! I'm the m.f.in man.


Joe Wimpster

Foolish 3

3.


In the grotesque nature of truth;
In the grotesque truth of nature;
Guilty or innocent, we die.

And, while living, watch
the guilty and innocent
live and die.

Thus, alone
in our thoughts
we find others.

Foolish 2

2.


Identifying with
the organization
divides the family.

Trusts and bonds
feign trusting bonds
to steer the local politic.

There is no security
in blood and money;
church and state.

Foolish

1.


In small moments
of happiness
the mind defies complexity.

The burden of worry
is less than
the awe of simple being.

"I'm alive and living"
is enough to unite
spirit and daylight.

The Calm

The sun and lush green seem new
as if, yesterday, there had been
no storm at all.

How does it seem new every time;
The storm, so readily forgotten;
Today, evenly sad and beautiful.

Fill In The Blank

I'm brainwashed in the way of ___________.

I have tendencies toward_____________.

I am corrupt because___________.

I am not corrupt because____________.

___________makes me angry.

___________makes me happy.

___________makes me human.

___________makes me "me."

Joey

And my old pal Joey.

Peabody

Meet my new friend Peabody.

Spackle

Today, while spackling holes in my brick walls, I saw an angry cat with a chainsaw.

Sunday Times Weather Headline

Late Edition

Today: Brilliant sunshine, chilly start, mild end, high 67.

Hijacked By Angrycommenter-bot!

I am Angrycommenter-bot. I am programmed to hijack Don't Shoot The Messenger and destroy it with a monotonous drone of half-truths.

Destroy Don't Shoot The Messenger.

(lasers)

Former child stars with blogging hobbies are no match for Angrycommenter-bot.

(lasers)

I did not like it when you erased your mouth in Photoshop.

(lasers)

You are too old to be blogging. You should find a reason to resurrect your career, like taking up meth or dancing with the stars.

(lasers)


Lecy: Not so fast, Angrycommenter-bot!

How did you get through my forcefield.

Lecy: With a little help from the Blogger Team. Thanks Blogger Team!
Now, what were you saying about me being a worthless piece of crap?

Destroy Don't Shoot The Messenger.

(lasers)

Ruin Lecy's day by insulting her blog.

(lasers)

Lecy: Angrycommenter-bot, why do you bother writing such negative comments on my blog? Why not just say "Mental Note: Next time don't click on Don't Shoot The Messenger?"

Your self-indulgence irritates me to the point of political action.

Lecy: Well I hope you're writing Dick Cheney, too.

I'm not.

(lasers)

Lecy: I understand the need to take political action--quit lasering me! But sometimes a blog is just a blog.

Freud. Does not compute. Error. Low disk space. Warning. This Angrycommenter-bot will self-destruct unless the batteries.........................................................................................................

Lecy: Whew. That was a close one, Socrates. Good thing I didn't have to press the Rapture button.

Socrates: Yes.

Overwhelmed

There are so many things going on. So many thoughts. So many people with so much to do. So much potential. And dissatisfaction. And happiness. And sadness. And trees. And leaves. And stuff. And pieces of trash. And places to go. And things to read. And to listen to. And to ignore. And to worry about. And to look forward to. And to learn.

Howdy Pagans

In a cab today, exiting the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw a plump robin perched in a blooming tree.

Silent Blogger

Spring Break

You might be wondering, "Why the long break from blogging, Lecy?"
Well, I just got back from Cancun where I was going wild the past week with my friends Heather, Gretchen, Sarah, Candi and Shannequa.
After the pre-tanning sessions, mani-pedis, boot camp workouts, full body waxing and the Bebe bikini--my Dad's credit card was maxed out before I even hit the beach.
While all that preparation may seem extraneous, it was the only way this 31-year-old hag could pass among all the sweet young things.
I never imagined there would be so many hot college boys clad only in Abercrombe bermudas and hair gel.
Not to mention all the red-faced, white 40+-year-old pedophiles. And the VJs--all those hot VJs.
200 mai-tais mixed with date rape drugs later, it's a holy wonder my midriff stayed on at all.
Now, every time I listen to Sean Paul, attempt to glance at my new, lower back tribal tattoo or look back on the photos of all the teenage boys I deflowered, I'll remember 2006 as the best Spring Break ever.
So what I'm still burnt and hungover. I passed.
And you readers think I'm depressed and never have fun.


Okay. The dog ate my entries. Honest.

Zoo Baboon

The zoo baboon
awakens to fruit
tossed by the uniformed,
scowls at onlookers
on the other side
of the glass.

Power, imprisoned,
resists and adapts
to canned Nature;
Instinct, thrown upon itself,
may roar at the sun
or scratch in boredom.

While hundreds snap photos,
bang and shout
at the glass--
is he ever truly seen
or is it a primate mirror
we take home with us?

Nature's Kicking Our Ass