So last night I was out drinking with my buddies on the UES/ The Slope and I ran into this chick named Lecy. She said I would write about my night in my blog the next day (today) and that when I did it would be f*@kin boring.
Me: Oh yeah? You know what's boring? Taking like a 25-year-break from blogging!
Lecy: I guess that means you've had to take like a 25-year-break from hijacking. You know how I hate to inconvenience you.
Me: I was hoping maybe you got run over by Bret Michael's tour bus or something! But I guess you've just been a total lazy-ass.
Lecy: Right. Um... Wait, what's your name again? I can hardly remember, it's been so long...
Me: Ha, ha. You know my name, Lecy!
Lecy: Germ? Go? Go--Away?
Me: It's Joe! God! Don't be such an a** hole!
Lecy: Wow. Sorry, I just had this weird feeling that I was talking to an aging Jonas brother.
Me: Screw you! You didn't even say "hello" to me when you saw me at the bar!
Lecy: Oh. Yeah. Seriously, I didn't recognize you with that new facial hair thing you're rocking (or not rocking, as the case may be)...
Me: It's called a beard, Dumb A**!
Lecy: Funny: I just saw a missing cat flyer on a pole outside and I thought...
Me: You know I always have p***y on my face!
Then, my smokin hot new chick-friend came over from the bar and handed me my beer!
Me: Thanks, Banana Bread.
Me: Lecy! I'd like you to meet my awesome, new chick-friend, Loden!
Lecy: Isn't that like a J. Crew pant color?
Lecy: Um. Hey there, Loden. It's nice to meet someone who can actually deal with Joe for longer than 3 to 4 minutes.
Lecy: Nice white pumps. Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg?
Joe: Now there's no need to be jealous, Lecy! See, Loden, Lecy's had this thing for me for awhile now...
Lecy: The cat's out of the bag!
Loden: I know, Joe. You read me the blog. After you read me your journal and showed me your new headshots and played me those rockin tunes you wrote on your guitar.
Then Lecy made a horribly un-chick-like retching sound! She must've had too much booze--The Booze Bag!
Lecy: (coughing) Mousetatouille, Mousetatouille...
Me: What the f@*k are you talking about? It's RATtatouille!
Lecy: Did you say "rat?!"
Me: Oh, no...
Lecy: Hey, Loden! What did the rat say to the mouse?
Lecy: Let's have bad sex for three months and break up!
Me: Don't mind her, Loden. She's just jealous that I met someone special!
Lecy: It's like you're reading my mind!
Me: And that once again, I'm out with my buddies, and now, my hot, new chick-friend--and she's, again, alone!
Lecy: I wish.
Me: No you don't! You missed me all this time. Admit it!
Lecy: Did I accidentally slip you a GHB at the bar? Cause I was aiming for the fellow's stein to your left...
Me: Admit it! For now until the tests of time!
Me: You've always had a thing for me!
Lecy: Wait, I just remembered where we were that first, fateful night we met.
Me: The Turkey's Nest?
Lecy: No! I was in the movie theater, watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Weren't you in the the Leather dinner scene? Gotta go! Bye Tom! Bye Jerry!
Me: Wasn't that Matthew McConaughey?--I'll take that as a compliment!
She left (thank god!). Then me and my buddies partied till dawn. And yeah, Loden was there, too. And these other hot chicks. It was rockin--anything but boring! I'm the m.f.in man.